GoFundMe is a noble concept. It is a means of raising much-needed money for those who face life-threatening illnesses, job loss, and major personal catastrophes. It helps fund socially worthwhile causes. It also enables some people without means to attend such major life events as a graduation, a reunion, or for that matter, a funeral. (Which is, let’s face it, a major life event for everyone but the host).
Recently, however, I saw a GoFundMe that made me burst out laughing. I can’t reveal the details here, but the post did set me to thinking. After a gin-and-tonic and a few moments of reflection, I have come up with my own GoFundMe causes. Please expect to see these causes posted in the next few weeks. I will space them out so you won’t feel overwhelmed.
Anyway, here is a preview:
Recently, however, I saw a GoFundMe that made me burst out laughing. I can’t reveal the details here, but the post did set me to thinking. After a gin-and-tonic and a few moments of reflection, I have come up with my own GoFundMe causes. Please expect to see these causes posted in the next few weeks. I will space them out so you won’t feel overwhelmed.
Anyway, here is a preview:
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Retirement Fund: This year I will turn 65. I have no plans—and certainly not the money—to retire anytime soon, but a guy has to plan ahead. I’m looking for several hundred thousand bucks in small bills. And please don’t fret: I have plenty of space for storage in my apartment.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Bermuda Fund: This money might be tied to the GoFundMe Jeff Minick Retirement Fund. I have never visited Bermuda, but I hear the weather is extraordinary and the businessmen wear coats and ties with shorts. If you contribute to this fund, I promise to mail you sand dollars and seashells every year from the white beaches of this lovely island.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Trousers Fund: As my students doubtless know, their teacher could use some new trousers. A trip to Kohl’s is in order. I was going to shop there this week, but the sales advertisement I received in the mail only allowed for a 15% discount. I’m holding out for a 30% coupon. (Hey, I would never waste your money). When I get that coupon, and if there are sufficient funds in my GoFundMe, then I will retire the frayed, coffee-stained trousers I now wear.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Massage Fund: Often evening finds me stiff in the shoulders and lower back from my day of teaching. If I could hire a masseuse—female, please, easy on the eyes in looks and demeanor—then I could work harder in the evenings and be better equipped physically for classes the next day.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Secretary and Housekeeper Fund: If some capable young woman could answer emails for me, clean house, cook my meals, run errands, do the shopping, and make herself scarce when I was in the apartment, I am certain that my life would be vastly improved. Perhaps this position might be merged with that of the masseuse.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Personal Fitness Fund: I pay for a membership at the YMCA, but despite all good intentions, I often kiss off going there. A personal trainer would help me meet my fitness goals. That person could drag me kicking and screaming in the evening to the machines of torture in the Downtown Y. Perhaps this position might be combined with that of Secretary, Housekeeper, and Masseuse, though here a large, muscular woman would be required to pry my fingernails from the arms of my chair.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Chauffeur Fund: Driving to work takes me approximately seven minutes every day. Think of the wasted time! If I had a chauffeur, I could grade a student’s paper during that time or reexamine a lesson plan. Perhaps this position might be combined with that of Secretary, Housekeeper, Masseuse, and Personal Trainer. (I am beginning to picture mentally this fabulous assistant. Her name is Arianna. She sports several discrete tattoos and multiple ear piercings. She also has a boyfriend, Zeke, who picks her up at seven every evening after she has washed the supper dishes and deposits her on the doorstep at eight o’clock sharp in the mornings. Good old Zeke. Splendid chap.)
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Wet Bar Fund: The youngest of my children has now flown the nest. I propose turning his room into a fully stocked wet bar. A Hillsdale Classic Oak Large Bar with Side Bar would make for a fine start. Write a check for five hundred or so, and I’ll invite you twice a year—once at Christmas, once in July—for an evening of brie, a drink of your choice, and the music of Django Reinhardt. Party!!!!
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Rome Fund: I would like to visit the Eternal City. I would like to explore the Forum, the Coliseum, the Vatican, the—oh, wait. A group of folks already funded that. Shoot. How about this instead? We’ll change the name. We’ll call it The Jeff Minick Retro Rome Tour Fund. I’ll make a return trip, investigate Italian social idiosyncrasies, and report back to you.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Because He’s Such A Nice Guy You Should Give Him Your Bucks Funds: This is the best of all. Send in lots of money—I mean, bushel loads—and I promise to be nice to everyone around me. By doing so, I will be improving the world at large. I will initiate the “nice” movement. I envision that movement going national, and then international, with me winning the Noble Peace Prize in fifteen years. Major donors will be specifically mentioned in my acceptance speech.
Exciting? You bet! Watch for future developments. Sign on to PayPal now. Have those checks ready for mailing. Break the bank.
And just remember: it’s more blessed to give than to receive.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Bermuda Fund: This money might be tied to the GoFundMe Jeff Minick Retirement Fund. I have never visited Bermuda, but I hear the weather is extraordinary and the businessmen wear coats and ties with shorts. If you contribute to this fund, I promise to mail you sand dollars and seashells every year from the white beaches of this lovely island.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Trousers Fund: As my students doubtless know, their teacher could use some new trousers. A trip to Kohl’s is in order. I was going to shop there this week, but the sales advertisement I received in the mail only allowed for a 15% discount. I’m holding out for a 30% coupon. (Hey, I would never waste your money). When I get that coupon, and if there are sufficient funds in my GoFundMe, then I will retire the frayed, coffee-stained trousers I now wear.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Massage Fund: Often evening finds me stiff in the shoulders and lower back from my day of teaching. If I could hire a masseuse—female, please, easy on the eyes in looks and demeanor—then I could work harder in the evenings and be better equipped physically for classes the next day.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Secretary and Housekeeper Fund: If some capable young woman could answer emails for me, clean house, cook my meals, run errands, do the shopping, and make herself scarce when I was in the apartment, I am certain that my life would be vastly improved. Perhaps this position might be merged with that of the masseuse.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Personal Fitness Fund: I pay for a membership at the YMCA, but despite all good intentions, I often kiss off going there. A personal trainer would help me meet my fitness goals. That person could drag me kicking and screaming in the evening to the machines of torture in the Downtown Y. Perhaps this position might be combined with that of Secretary, Housekeeper, and Masseuse, though here a large, muscular woman would be required to pry my fingernails from the arms of my chair.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Chauffeur Fund: Driving to work takes me approximately seven minutes every day. Think of the wasted time! If I had a chauffeur, I could grade a student’s paper during that time or reexamine a lesson plan. Perhaps this position might be combined with that of Secretary, Housekeeper, Masseuse, and Personal Trainer. (I am beginning to picture mentally this fabulous assistant. Her name is Arianna. She sports several discrete tattoos and multiple ear piercings. She also has a boyfriend, Zeke, who picks her up at seven every evening after she has washed the supper dishes and deposits her on the doorstep at eight o’clock sharp in the mornings. Good old Zeke. Splendid chap.)
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Wet Bar Fund: The youngest of my children has now flown the nest. I propose turning his room into a fully stocked wet bar. A Hillsdale Classic Oak Large Bar with Side Bar would make for a fine start. Write a check for five hundred or so, and I’ll invite you twice a year—once at Christmas, once in July—for an evening of brie, a drink of your choice, and the music of Django Reinhardt. Party!!!!
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Rome Fund: I would like to visit the Eternal City. I would like to explore the Forum, the Coliseum, the Vatican, the—oh, wait. A group of folks already funded that. Shoot. How about this instead? We’ll change the name. We’ll call it The Jeff Minick Retro Rome Tour Fund. I’ll make a return trip, investigate Italian social idiosyncrasies, and report back to you.
GoFundMe: The Jeff Minick Because He’s Such A Nice Guy You Should Give Him Your Bucks Funds: This is the best of all. Send in lots of money—I mean, bushel loads—and I promise to be nice to everyone around me. By doing so, I will be improving the world at large. I will initiate the “nice” movement. I envision that movement going national, and then international, with me winning the Noble Peace Prize in fifteen years. Major donors will be specifically mentioned in my acceptance speech.
Exciting? You bet! Watch for future developments. Sign on to PayPal now. Have those checks ready for mailing. Break the bank.
And just remember: it’s more blessed to give than to receive.
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