Last Time Down The Chimney?: The Feds Go After Mr. Claus

​George Wattlemayer, Associate Director of Notifications
National Institute for Public  Indoctrination & Transformation
4321 Outlander Lane
Washington, D.C.
 
Dear Mr. Claus:
 
The National Institute for Public Indoctrination & Transformation (NIPIT) is a clearing agency for the federal government. Our task is to uncover egregious wrongs perpetrated against American culture and society, and to turn the perpetrators of said wrongs over to the appropriate government agencies for investigation, correction, and possible fines and/or incarceration. 

We at NIPIT have long held you under surveillance. Indeed, we have constructed a full file on you and your activities: #SC0000111. Given your staggering list of offences, that you remain a beloved public figure in our enlightened age boggles the mind.
 
Those days, Mr. Claus, are over. Your time is at an end.
 
You stand accused by NIPIT of the following illegal activities and politically incorrect ideas:

1. A pipe is a part of your public personage. Despite fifty years of a government anti-tobacco campaign and a ban on advertising tobacco products, you continue blowing smoke rings, pumping second-hand smoke into millions of homes. Moreover, some question has arisen as to what that pipe contains. Some of my agents contend that the substance in your pipe accounts for that famous twinkle in your eye. At any rate, we have dispatched your file to the ATF for investigation.
2. You are overweight, Mr. Claus. Were you a private citizen, your obesity might be of less concern to us, but you are a public figure who flouts his belly and chubby cheeks. How can we encourage our flabby citizenry to shed pounds while you dash about the country devouring cookies and guzzling hot chocolate? Employees at the Bureau of Health and Human Services are eager to make your acquaintance.
3. You wear a red suit, and Rudolph has a red nose. Clearly, you associate yourself with “red” states. We are investigating your tax-exempt status vis-à-vis the Federal Government and have requested that the Internal Revenue Service launch an investigation.
4. The names of your other reindeer—Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Vixen, Blitzen, Donner, and Cupid—match those of a troupe of transgendered pole-dancers performing in New Orleans. Quite a coincidence. Care to explain? A grand jury is investigating you for defamation and micro-aggression, and I suspect a federal court will soon order you to change the appellations of the reindeer and/or pay a large fine.
5. You practice discrimination in the workplace. You are white. Your wife is white. Your elves are white. You even live at the North Pole, adding credence to the slang expression for whites, “Ice People.” Officials at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission are eager to make your acquaintance.
6. Rumor has it that you work your elves like slaves, driving them to produce toys year round, to be rewarded one night of said year with time off and a cup of cocoa. Have you no shame, sir? The National Labor Relations Board has begun a full investigation.
7. Your North Pole industrial complex is doubtless a major source of pollution, in violation of various federal statutes and contributing to global warming, including the ice-melt of the Pole itself. Why your sweatshop wasn’t shuttered years ago is inexplicable. Expect an immediate call from the Environmental Protection Agency.
8. Your sexual practices are suspect. First, you invite small children to sit in your lap and ask them, sometimes in a whisper, what they want for Christmas. This is shocking behavior. Suppose I went to the mall and asked toddlers to climb aboard? I would be arrested, and deservedly so. Second, you are constantly depicted as saying “Ho, Ho, Ho.” What do you mean by “Ho?” Is this some sort of old white man’s attempt at a rap song? Some code using culturally appropriated language to find a companion for the night? The Federal Bureau of Investigation has taken your case in hand.
9. You illegally spy on people. Only the Federal Government has that right, yet your own anthem states “he knows when you are sleeping/ he knows when you’re awake.” Here you are in violation of multiple codes and statutes, and NIPIT intends to bring you to justice. Various national security agencies are already reviewing your case.
10. You promise to reward the good and punish the bad. Mr. Claus, check your calendar. The year is 2017. All children are good, yet you advocate a rewards system designed to damage self-esteem, causing as a result mental torment to many children. We have submitted copies of your theme song to the Department of Education for review and immediate action.
11. You are operating an airborne vehicle and flying over US air space without a license or clearance from a control tower. Please note that on your future visits NIPIT will alert the USAF, and your antique aircraft will be shot down on sight.
12. Every year, you enter our country without visa or passport, and then slip away again. We have turned your case over to ICE and other immigration agencies.
13. Your employment of pseudonyms—Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nick—reveals nefarious intentions. What else are you hiding, Mr. Claus? The National Security Agency intends to find out.
14. Every year you unload tons of candy on innocent children, dropping “treats” by the handful into their stockings. What kind of monster are you? Are you an agent of the American Dental Association? Even as I write, the FDA is on your case.
15. Despite all warnings to the contrary, you encourage people to say “Merry Christmas.” The religious ramifications in that greeting are beyond the pale. Please expect to be investigated by various agencies for violation of safe spaces, politically incorrect speech, and the possible instigation of hate crimes.

 
Your circumstances are dire, Mr. Claus. We suggest you immediately cease and desist from all of the above activities, hire an attorney, and prepare for a long, cold winter.
 
Happy holidays,
 
George Wattlemayer
NIPIT