The depths of lunacy in America, A.D. 2017, make the Mariana Trench look like a child’s wading pool.
In the wake of the recent controversies over Civil War statues, ESPN yesterday moved a broadcaster scheduled to cover the upcoming University of Virginia vs. William and Mary football game to a game in Pennsylvania. His crime? He is named Robert Lee, an American with Korean roots, a country where Lee is as common a name as Jones in the United States. ESPN officials apparently feared that Robert Lee might be a “trigger” for the faint of heart or that perhaps some college students might think the Confederate general was still alive and kicking, jabbering on television about sports while disguised as an Asian-American.
In the wake of the recent controversies over Civil War statues, ESPN yesterday moved a broadcaster scheduled to cover the upcoming University of Virginia vs. William and Mary football game to a game in Pennsylvania. His crime? He is named Robert Lee, an American with Korean roots, a country where Lee is as common a name as Jones in the United States. ESPN officials apparently feared that Robert Lee might be a “trigger” for the faint of heart or that perhaps some college students might think the Confederate general was still alive and kicking, jabbering on television about sports while disguised as an Asian-American.
In California, some “progressives” have launched a movement to rename Traveler, the mascot and horse carrying a Trojan rider, emblem of the University of Southern California. Why? Because General Lee’s horse was named Traveller. Apparently, the resemblance of the names might cause some fans to freak out.
Well, as long as we’re going this route, I have a few proposals for name changes in athletics.
Let’s start with professional baseball.
The White Sox, the Black Sox, and the Red Sox need their names changed immediately. Everyone knows these are blatantly racist references to levels of skin melanin.
Though born in Pennsylvania, I have lived most of my life in the South. I am a Southerner. I therefore demand that the New York Yankees either change their name or insert the word Damn before Yankees.
Atheists are surely offended by the Los Angeles Angels and the San Diego Padres. In fact, both those cities—which in English respectively mean Angels and Saint James—need to change their names as well.
The Cincinnati Reds sound like a bunch of communists. This is America, folks. Do we really want a team named after Marxists?
The Atlanta Braves? Need I say more?
Football next.
Washington Redskins? No comment. Obvious.
The Cleveland Browns? Who picked that color? What was the motivation?
The New England Patriots are named for a bunch of white guys who gave us a revolution, independence, a constitution, and liberty. Those ideas seem to offend a great number of Americans. Change the name.
New Orleans Saints? See above the Angels and the Padres.
In terms of height, I am on the short side. The names of the Tennessee Titans and the New York Giants make me feel Lilliputian. Ditch them. How about the Tennessee Midgets and the New York Dwarves. Oh, wait. Those names are verboten. Actually, now that I think of it, verboten is probably verboten. Never mind.
The National Basketball Association needs work too.
The Utah Jazz? A lot of people don’t care for jazz. What about classical music or rock and roll? Besides, what does jazz have to do with Utah or Utah with Jazz?
The Chicago Bulls are probably so named because of Chicago’s old reputation as a stockyards and a slaughterhouse of beef, but bull is also an old-time name for a policeman. Did fans not flip out watching Michael Jordan play for the Bulls? Did the name not conjure up billy clubs and paddy wagons? (Oops, there I go again: paddy wagons are so named because so many Irish were once arrested in great numbers and were nicknamed Paddy.)
The Hawks, the Hornets, the Cavaliers, the Mavericks, the Pistons, the Rockets, the Warriors, the Pacers, the Bucks, the Knicks, the Heat, the Thunder, the Magic, the Blazers, the Kings, the Raptors, the Spurs: these name not only contain traces of misogyny, but are also charged with male testosterone. Some may contain sexual innuendo. Change the names.
The changing of team names for secondary schools and colleges would require a book. Why do I think so? Because I have only to consider the names of the educational institutions I attended. The deep shame and guilt I now feel for not then condemning the nicknames of our teams has just raised a blush from my throat to my cheeks. (OK, that may be New Amsterdam Gin.)
West Forsyth High School Trojans. The Trojans were militaristic. It’s also the brand-name of a condom. Change the name.
United States Military Academy known as Army. Very militaristic. Ugh. And their mascot is a mule, which means that their mascot is a eunuch, which offends me on so many levels for the rights of heterosexuals, gays, lesbians, the transgendered, and all the rest.
The Guilford College Quakers. Another religious reference. Ban it.
The Wake Forest University Demon Deacons. OK. Here we do find accommodation between Satanists and the Baptists who founded the school. But is it inclusive? My Jewish comrades, all you Islamic folks, and anyone with a phobia regarding alliteration should be invading this campus and demanding a change.
The University of Connecticut features the Huskies. Sounds innocent, right? Like a bunch of sled dogs in the Iditarod? I see darker connotations. (How I wish I had recognized this prejudice while attending graduate school there. The horror, the horror! What was wrong with me?) Huskies sounds chauvinistic, male, as in: “He spoke in a husky voice.” Huskies are also the name of trousers made for overweight boys. I therefore accuse U-Conn. of Sizeism. How dare you attack our young people this way?
Change the names.
Eventually, I’m sure, we’ll all be gliding into Nirvana.
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